Wednesday, 10 July 2013

Hardbite Kettle-Cooked Jalapeno Potato Chips

Why take a hard bite out of a leg or a head when you can have some Hardbite Chips instead.
Being a bit of a couch potato it seems ironic to review a healthy potato chip that features imagery of people engaging in all sorts of adventurous outdoor activity on its packaging. But if there's such a thing as armchair traveling, why not armchair extreme sporting, feeling the curl of the big wave beneath my surfboard or biking the rickety trestle bridges of the Kettle Valley Railroad, all the while with my feet planted firmly on my food and beverage-stained ottoman, my recliner chair tipped back to a comfortable 45 degree angle and all my snack foods and drinks at my fingertips, a kind of sedentary efficiency I find comparable to Captain Kirk's bridge chair on the Enterprise. Press a button, goodbye Klingons. Another button, goodbye Romulans. Another button and it's hello, green-skinned alien space-babe in a negligee with devil eyebrows and a beehive hairdo, serving up some forbidden fruit from Zogtar 6 as a prelude to some interplanetary foreplay and supernova lovemaking. With me supplying the potato chips of course. And if I had to pick just one chip to impress another race of beings from a far-off galaxy, especially if I was looking to make time with one of their fetching ladies, these Hardbite Jalapeno chips would be at the top of my list. You could say I wear my pride on my chest because that's where all the debris from these BC made potato chips came to rest during my snack fest and as a Vancouverite, I felt the weight of their importance, both as a locally made healthy snack food and a boost to the BC economy, rising and falling with each breath beneath my creaky ribcage. And if I wear my pride on my chest I also wear my heart on my sleeve because that's where I wipe off all the potato chip grease and looking at those smudges sends a surge of patriotism through my veins along with a whack-load of fat into my arteries. Or so you would think but remember, these are healthy potato chips. No trans fats, no cholesterol, no MSG, no GMO's, gluten free, the only thing these chips haven't done is solve global warming. Made from 'taters grown on the company's 600-acre farm, you could say every chip is vouched for from the dirt to the bag. And that's what truly had me marveling at these things. Every chip was permeated with this earthy flavour and the taste of potato was front row centre and not trying to hide in the back row of the spud theatre, making out in the dark with some unwholesome ingredients. Thus the jalapeno powder patina speckling these crispy critters was not overpowering but lay in wait like spicy snipers taking potshots at the taste buds and letting the heat build gradually. This was first degree spud burn in a good way. And the package image of the mountain biker navigating the tricky trestle of the Kettle Valley Railroad satisfied all my armchair adventure ambitions. Check the website,, for all the flavour variations and a chance to win some kind of Hardbite adventure. And with these health-conscious chips I can finally wear my heart on my sleeve without risking a heart attack except for the fact I did eat these things with a huge bacon cheeseburger that produced more grease pools than at a drag strip race track. Luckily I keep up a daily regimen of recliner-chair calisthenics to keep me in tip-top sedentary shape and help the old ticker stay pumping with the vigor of an irrigation pipe, ready for another day of snacking and steadying me during the tenser moments in Star Trek. 
The Headless Hula Dancer of Halfmoon Bay and her zombie henchman are getting ready for a luau pig roast and some Hardbite Jalapeno chips.

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